Quantcast
Channel: Discipline – Parent to Parent
Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 6

What’s so bad about saying ‘Good job!’ to your kids?

0
0
[See image gallery at blog.timesunion.com]

As the parent of a kindergartner and a toddler I probably say “Good job!” more than any other phrase throughout the day.

Got your coat? Good job! Found the missing homework page? Good job! Put one block on top of that other block? Good job!

And frankly, I never really thought about why I was saying it or what I was hoping to achieve, other than as a a perfunctory way to show excitement and approval.

Then I saw Jennifer Lehr’s much-shared essay, “The Wrong Way to Speak to Children,” in the Wall Street Journal. In it, and in an accompanying book called ParentSpeak, Lehr argues that parents say things like “Good job!” (not to mention “Share!” or “Say you’re sorry!”) because they want compliance and not communication from their kids. “We are essentially teaching them to obey,” she wrote.

Lehr doesn’t blame parents; she understands their motivations. After all, she started researching the book ten years ago when she found that she and all the other parents she knew were regularly using phrases like “Can you say, ‘Thank you?’” and wondered how and why they became so prevalent. “I started calling it ‘ParentSpeak’ and it got to the point where I could predict what people would say in a variety of situations with a fair amount of accuracy,” she told me, adding, “Of course, I knew we all spoke this way with nothing but the best intentions—wanting our kids to feel encouraged and safe while also trying to impart manners and self-control—but I started to wonder if our best intentions were translating. For example, is instructing my kids to ‘share’ the best way to cultivate generosity? Is making them say ‘thank you’ really the best way to instill appreciation?…In short, I’ve found the answers to my many questions to be a resounding no.”

But if not “Good job!” then what should parents say to praise their children? This is the wrong question, says Lehr. Instead ask yourself if constant praising is even helpful in raising confident, adventurous kids. If that is the goal, Lehr believes parents should stop praising, and instead start “prizing” via attention and interest in their children. She argues that a praised child can start to wonder if they are only worthy of love and attention when they are deemed “good,” while a “prized” child “will develop the confidence and freedom to go out on a limb and experiment, unafraid that she is in any way diminished by challenges, mistakes or setbacks.”

As far as teaching gratitude goes, Lehr says that forcing children to say “Thank You” in the moment is both embarrassing and ineffective (though she is open to a whispered suggestion out of earshot of the thankee). “I think it is disrespectful to instruct a child to say thank you in front of the person to be thanked,” she said. “Not only is the show of appreciation obviously coerced and disingenuous—which doesn’t seem to matter to the adults—but it’s humiliating for the child to be so overtly controlled. After all, how would you feel if your partner turned to you after a dinner party and told you to thank the host: ‘Can you say thank you to Eric for our lovely dinner?’ I’d imagine you’d feel mortified. And yet we think nothing of saying this to children as if they experience life so differently than we do. But they don’t. They’re human too. I don’t believe we’re actually teaching children about true consideration when our approach is so inconsiderate of their feelings.”

Instead Lehr recommends modeling courtesy ourselves, which she admits is not as quick and easy as a forced show of thanks, but which she feels actually yields the desired results. “The more consistently courteous we are to our children and others—particularly when we’re in a hurry, frustrated or disappointed—the more they’ll witness how well it goes over and will want in on all the good feelings that consideration of others is bound to unleash,” she says.

After speaking with Lehr, I can’t say that I’ve stopped saying “Good job!” but I have definitely become aware of how often I am saying it. So now I am trying to just enjoy playing blocks with my daughter or reading with my son, rather than constantly telling them how “good” they are at these activities.

Luckily, Lehr assured me that even small steps toward being more attentive and less judgmental of our children is helpful. “Each and every one of us can make little changes every day that cumulatively send the message to our children that we value them highly and that we believe their point of view is important,” she said. “It’s taking the time to figure out why they don’t want to do something, not just figuring out what you can do to get them to do it.”

Emily Landes has a six-year-old, a toddler and a pretty severe sleep deficit.


Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 6

Latest Images

Trending Articles





Latest Images